Fall is all about letting go. For me, this whole year has been about letting go. I have had to let go of old systems that no longer add to my purpose. I have had to let go of old versions of me that are no longer in alignment with who I am becoming. I have had to let go of thought patterns and release energy blocks that were keeping me stagnant. All of that has come with its challenges as letting go of what’s familiar isn’t always easy, even if it is necessary. My most challenging experience of letting go was back in May of this year when I had to say goodbye to my son Halo Oye who was born at 29 weeks as a stillborn. When it was confirmed that his heart was no longer beating, I was told that I would still have to deliver him because of how far along I was. I was devastated. My heart ached in a way that I could not fathom although my soul was prepared for what was to come. I did not think that I would be able to breathe again, let alone actually let him go. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Yet, it has also been a beautiful experience that I am now eternally grateful for.

Halo’s spirit came to me in the delivery room and let me know that he did not want to come here sick. He also said that he did not want to come here in a boy’s body when he felt like a girl. He told me that I needed to let him go. Although I did not know what he meant at the time, I was extremely grateful for my connection to the spiritual realm in that moment more than ever. I was grateful that he visited me so soon and that alone gave me the courage to push through with giving birth. I later gained clarity and understanding of what happened in my womb through my journey with grieving. Halo absorbed his twin sister Nova that I miscarried early on in the pregnancy before my first ultrasound. This occurrence is called vanishing twin syndrome and happens often. The fetal tissue that Halo absorbed made him sick. In absorbing Nova’s fetal tissue, Halo also absorbed Nova’s feminine energy. That is why me, my family, and everyone around me could feel the spirit of a baby girl while I was pregnant. The doctors nor the autopsy were ever able to give an explanation for what went wrong. Thankfully, my connection to the Divine Creator, my strong intuition, and my guidance from my two spirit babies Halo and Nova provided me with the clarity and understanding that I needed. When I gave birth, I immediately started feeling better after feeling sick almost every day for the duration of my pregnancy. This whole experience from the pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and grieving has been the spiritual awakening that I didn’t know that I needed. Yes, I may have taken a loss physically, but what I gained spiritually cannot be quantified or fully explained. I lost two babies over the course of the last year, but I essentially gained two guardian angels that walk with me every day. That alone is a constant reminder that it is okay to let go. 

When this month started, I claimed that it would be all about new beginnings. That has proven true so far. In order for something new to begin, something must end. The inverse is also true that when something ends, something new begins. Those endings may not always be peaceful but they have to happen in order for the new to come forth. We are only 9 days into this month and I have been pushed to let more go. When we let go of what is no longer serving us, we create space for what’s meant for us. As this month continues, I will continue to surrender and trust as I let go.