Never in a million years did I expect my son to have complications with his health and have developmental delays. However I can say that I was prepared that this would be a different ride from what I was use to dating back to his time in the womb. The featured image is titled “Differences”. I painted it while I was 5 months pregnant with Legend. I could feel that he would be unique to the point that I would cry because I just couldn’t explain what I felt to anyone. I still can’t explain it to this day. Its a conversation only understood between me and God, just like this painting full of healing energy is.
I remember when Legend got discharged from the hospital back in December. The nurses gave us all of this equipment and a quick tutorial on how to use it for Legend to feed through a NG tube. They handed us a list of all of the new specialist we needed to schedule appointments with and folders of instructions. Anxiety came over me and I began to doubt if I was capable of taking on this job. When I look back to that time all I can say is, “But God.” I’m thankful for all of my baby’s progress and continued strength from the Most High.
I’m also thankful for all of the lessons that I’ve learned along the way. One of the lessons being to ask for, accept, and appreciate help. Coming up I had a great sense of pride, which wasn’t always a good thing. I hated asking for help. I thought it made me look weak and it made me feel incapable. There were times that I suffered in silence simply because I wouldn’t ask for help and if it was offered I’d decline it. I almost kept quiet again this time because I didn’t want to burden anyone. I’m so thankful that I got out of my ego and asked for help instead. So many people have pulled together in many ways for my family and I am eternally grateful. As much as I write, I’ll never have the words to express the thanks in my heart. Legend also has nurses now that help out through the day. This ensures Legend gets the one on one time that he deserves that I’m not always able to give him 100% because I have to wear more than one hat.
Another thing I’ve had to do is prioritize me time. Sometimes I have to wake up at 3:00am just to get that but it does matter. I’m at my best when I take care of myself. The hardest lesson that I’ve had to learn is that this is not my fault. I recently came to terms with this after constantly questioning if I did something wrong during the pregnancy, if I should have just had a c-section, if I would have kept breastfeeding, if there was something defective in my genes, and the list went on. I’ve had to accept all of God’s plan, not just some of it and trust that all things are being worked out for the greater good on purpose. That alone keeps giving me strength. Our journey continues.
